Changing, but not Breaking

My whole life I've thought of myself a certain way, as a certain person. But these past few years, I've felt like everything about who I was, was breaking and crumbling apart. And I've felt lost, as lost as anyone could ever be. It felt like, my whole belief system was now suddenly a huge loophole, and the things I said with conviction throughout my life were suddenly sour to the tongue and wrong to the heart.

But today, I don't feel broken, I feel malleable. I feel like an intricate complicated person, who's always been in the process of changing. Not changing from one person to another, but changing with the small aspects of who I am. And what my young self was unable to comprehend, I believe I can see now.

Whole new parts of me, are visible to me now. Parts which I now suspect were always present, always pulling who I am together, from the background. But I can see them so much clearly now. And it's scary and exhilarating at the same time. Scary, in the sense that I have no idea where this road shall lead me to, and exhilarating, in the sense of finding a new friend who's going to take you to places you never imagined you'd find yourself belonging to.

It's a strange feeling; how can I be afraid and happy at the same time?

I guess it's the fear of how the world around me would react to these changes and how my life might be changed or condemned due to these revelations. But the happiness, is cause of the sweetness of discovering the truth at last, of finally having a name for something you've felt or been your entire life. Of finally seeing the direction in which, every inch of your soul was always headed towards.

Well it is hard to predict how the world would react, or how the ones I love would react, but I know one thing. This feels right, and it feels real and authentic, and it's exhilarating. I've found another piece of the puzzle that is my own complicated self, and I can do nothing except always hold on to it.

Perhaps, it was never "breaking" that was going on, but rather it was discovering. Discovering myself, and my own complicated parts. And this self-discovery is something that's still going on, and would always be going on. I guess I've learnt to stop perceiving myself as a static entity, but a dynamic one. One that has millions of parts and idiosyncrasies, that I have a lifetime to spend discovering and understanding and loving. I will never be the same, but I'll always be me.