Picture Books

Sometimes it feels like I’m getting through life one crisis at a time, so that’s how I sometimes end up measuring time, from this breakdown to the last one and the one before that, judging their intensity. Sounds morose, doesn’t it?

But today...today is different. Today I decided to make life a picture book and scroll through my phone gallery, because today I decided that I should cherish the past, instead of longing to go back in time, to do it all again—I decided that I’m gonna follow that wise person’s advice and smile that it happened instead of crying that it’s over.

So, I ended up scrolling, and I found so many happy moments. But surprisingly, there were so many happy moments, I had forgotten to add to the map of my life. I was so busy remembering the timeline of my crises and breakdowns, and so meticulous in counting my tears, I forgot to place some of the most beautiful moments as checkpoints in the trajectory of my life.

This is my sign to remind myself of the joy and the beauty I’ve experienced in the past months—I was so busy craving for the past to come back and dealing with the troughs and troubles of life, that I fell into neglect of reminding myself about the happy parts.

So, from this point forward, I promise myself—I won’t see my life as just the depressing summer of July, the anxiety peaks of November, the struggles of February, and the crisis of May; all of that is part of my life, but my life is so much more than that.

It’s beautiful skies at the time of sunset and starry skies at night. It’s precious moments with my family—trying the fun new recipes my Mom makes, cutting birthday cakes, my dog treating my slippers as his favourite toys (which they kinda are at the point), playing in the snow together, and criticising aeroplane food together (it’s fun to roast sometimes, isn’t it?). It is getting the special edition of your favourite book and being absolutely in love with it. It is meeting up with friends and laughing together. It is being there with your friend, in some of the most important moments of their life. It is impromptu Christmas cakes, and making silly birthday cake reels that make you happy. It is going back to your school on Christmas, ‘cause it is tradition. It’s going on a trip like a gamble and finding the kind of happiness you couldn’t even imagine. It is crying tears of joy and relief ‘cause you did something you were afraid you would never be able to do. It is a million moments of silly jokes that bring true laughter, finding comfort and joy in the arms of a friend, and being happy just because you’re in the presence of your loved ones.

Life has so much beauty that I become afraid that I’ll forget—how can such a life be anything, but beautiful? Of course, it sucks too, and it wretches my soul every once in a while, and God knows it makes my brain hurt till the point I think it’ll blast, and my heart break in ways I don’t even want to begin to articulate, and I don’t want to invalidate any of that or pretend that that doesn’t happen, but my point is, there is so much happiness in my life too, and I’m tired of making the mistake of overlooking that so many times. Life is bittersweet, there are so many moments when you are happy and sad at the same time and moments when you can’t even understand your emotions, they just feel weird and complicated, and that’s how life feels sometimes, but it’s also beautiful, and I never want to forget that.

So while the older list stands, my life is also the January of being happy, the February of dancing under the night sky with my friends, the March of making memories, the April of hugs and laughter, the August of heart-touching farewells, the October of finding parts of yourself that had gotten lost along the way, the December of bittersweet birthdays, and the next April of new experiences and being happy, and the list goes on and on. Of course, this is all a simplification, each month is complicated and layered, but the point is, life is a complicated mixture of many emotions and experiences.

So, I want to accept the hard parts, and focus on the good parts—hold them close to my heart and keep reminding myself about them. And if my way of doing that is looking through picture books filled with moments of my life, I wanna do that, often, ‘cause the beauty and joy of life calls to be remembered, cherished, and celebrated.